'clock in' for the sake of love.
Consider a hiatus to be food for the soul. The delays are due to me getting my life together. Bear with me, please! So, in this moment, I thought it would be appropriate to get 'fake' personal with you guys for a second. I say the word 'fake' because: A. I believe that it is single handedly the best Ebonical term added to the New York vernacular since 'deadass', and B. because I am giving you a vague synopsis of my personal situation and it appropriately warranted this Ebonical prefix. In any event, yesterday, Steeve and I just weren't on the same page. I wasn't understanding him, he wasn't understanding me, and we weren't understanding each other's understandings. Very complicated stuff guys, but it happened and it's happened before. I was so upset because we hardly see each other, and I just wanted to spend time with him. He told me how he interpreted my actions and my expressions, and I did the same. While I didn't want to have that conversation at all, nor did I want to have it spaced out over the course of a few hours, I realized several things. First, the conversation HAD to be had, at that moment and PERIOD. When it comes to relationships, i.e. friends, family, & lovers, I like to get the elephant the fxck out the room! I am not going to keep talking over something that is bothering me. It's not healthy. Yesterday, however, I didn't want to impose on our quality time. But I knew that our quality time would be of no use if we weren't in good standing with each other. Second, I realized the power of empathy in relationships. Throughout our relationship, I have been the Queen of empathy. I have always been able to put myself in his shoes and see it through his lens to the best of my ability. However, I was only using my abilities to see how he viewed himself and how he viewed me. Yesterday was the first time where I stepped back and stood in his shoes to see how he interpreted my actions. It was quite profound. I simply wasn't processing my behavior in regards to how it impacted someone else. How terrible! I was being a jerk and didn't even know at all! After some major self-evaluation, I was able to pinpoint the time in my life where I became colder, less affectionate, less like my authentic self. I won't drag you through the mud that is my personal introspection, but I will tell you that my third and most pertinent observation was that relationships are a full-time job and take work. It doesn't have to be "hard" work, though. Building with your partner should be fun, but it should definitely be constant. It's the time in which you work on solidifying the foundation of your relationship: your FRIENDSHIP. Take a look at the people you call your friends. You love them, right? You like them too, right? Of course! Your friends are the people you get to love AND like because, for the most part, you have chosen that relationship. You can't choose family, so most times, you love everyone in your family but don't necessarily LIKE everyone. Romantic relationships can be tricky because in some instances, they can become like our family relationships. Since we don't choose who we love, sometimes we can get caught up in how we feel about someone and miss out on all of the other factors. When you are madly in love with someone, you are always excited to see them, want to be with them, blah, blah, blah. But let's face it: the infatuation period is short lived. Even with the excitement of seeing the love of your life everyday, there is familiarity there. You will always come to the crossroad of your relationship where you realize that you need more than just love to keep this thing going. You have to put in the work to make it work. Spend time alone privately. Spend time alone "publicly". Go to crowded events together. Meet other couples. Explore every aspect of quality time with your partner to really build that likability factor. One suggestion I can offer that works for us is doing FREE things together, regularly. When you first start dating someone, or even if you are trying to re-evaluate your current relationship, do things that require creativity and no money. For starters, this will provide for interesting experiences and adventures. But it will mostly put you in a position to evaluate and build on your interaction with each other, observe how you treat each other, and to assess what you like and don't like about each other. Too many times have I heard women say things like, "he's good to me - he buys me dinner, takes me to the movies, and he pays my bills!". While those are nice gestures, they are not synonymous with being "good" to someone. What if he is suddenly unable to buy you those things? Is he no longer good to you? [insert thinking emoji] Him being "good" to you is defined by how he treats you, how he sees you, or whether or not he respects you, things of that caliber. Happy, healthy marriages don't last because of material things. Just like a home, they last because of what the relationship is built on. So just as the title says, you need to "clock in" everyday and work for it and towards it. Yesterday, we both grew as individuals and as partners. Actually, to finish the story, after our talk, we went to this FREE block party hosted by this local farmer's market. Free beer, fries, veggies, and an amazing jazz band. Then we hit the park and sat right by the water, like damn near fell in [lol]. We listened to the cicadas, watched a swan glide through our view of the sunset, and observed how profound the clouds were. It turned out to be a beautiful day, and it actually set the tone for shifting our focus into our growth as a couple. Whatever relationship you are working on at the moment, make the decision to dedicate your focus to doing it the right way. It will always be worth it. Don't just give up. Take a step back, assess, and dive in with a diagnosis. You will likely be pleasantly surprised. Do it for you, though!
xoxo
Peace, Kings & Queens
Shanelle Julia Rosita Campbell
